Responding to Myself 001: May 10th, 2005 (15 years old)

Tuesday May 10, 2005

I hate my life.

Everything I do. I always feel like i’ve made the wrong decision. My life is a screw up, I should of never been born. I’m always a problem. I’m nothing. I’m pathetic. Sure, summer vacation will be great. Fantastic. Woo. Great. That gives me MORE time to think about how pathetic I am for being alive. Everybody hates me and I know it. I’m always depressed, and I don’t even show it. I’m always mad at everything, even though I don’t look it. My blood is boiling constantly. I need help. I’m psycho. I just feel like ripping my brain out of my head or scream until I lose my voice. My feelings right now are pretty powerful, no doubt. I had a good day today too. Think about what I would be like if I were having a bad day? Well, let me put you in my shoes. You’re living a life, you’ve got you’re problems of course, you know that you can change you’re life. You are full of confidence in yourself. You were once a great soccer player, you had a great personality, you had a great appearance and a good life. Then one day lightning strikes you in the back several times. You quit soccer, you become more destructive and suicidal, and your appearance fades away from you and you become hideous. You begin to realize that you’re a pathetic moron. You don’t want to live life, but you don’t want to kill yourself.

Dad..I know you’re going to read this but…I hate my fucking life. I hate being spoiled. I hate everything about it.

The only thing you’re right about is the fact that you shouldn’t have quit soccer. Soccer was great exercise for you, and it might’ve followed you through school. Hell…maybe you would’ve made a career out of it if you had followed through with joining a traveling soccer team. When you tried out for the traveling soccer team, you gave up because you couldn’t handle the pressure. However, if you had followed through with it, who knows where that would’ve lead you! Maybe you would’ve not made the cut and quit anyways, but 13 years later…the back of your mind still regrets quitting. Yeah, you threw the towel in a little too early; you never really gave yourself the chance to see what you were capable of. The parents knew that you had some kind of talent; otherwise, you wouldn’t have been recommended in the first place. However, it happened and you’ve learned to come to terms with it. At the end of the day, it’s okay. I’m sure the coach made an example out of you when you walked all the way to your mom’s car, the boys probably made fun of you (even though they never saw you again), but that wasn’t the most embarrassing thing you’ll do in your life.

Would you believe me if I told you that 13 years later, you’re making 60-75,000 dollars a year, you’re in a healthy relationship, renting an apartment, raising a dog, and own a 20,000+ dollar car? Would you believe me if I told you that you’re happy? That you’re no longer depressed, no longer thinking about suicide, no longer angry at everything? That you don’t hate your life anymore?

You wanna know why you feel the way you feel right now?

It’s because you’re scared. You don’t know who you are, and you feel alone. You have to answer all of these heavy questions like “what do you wanna be when you grow up,” while being forced to do things that you don’t care about. The reality is that you needed help, but you didn’t really cry for it. You accepted your circumstances because you felt like you weren’t good enough, that you had no potential, and spoiler alert…you’re gonna feel that way for a long time. Until you meet someone.

And then they’re gonna destroy you.

You’re gonna take some hits, kid; that’s for sure. However, don’t let that discourage you. There is light at the end of the tunnel. Yeah…you’re going to lose your hair, and you’re going to gain a lot of weight, but you’re also going to have a beard that’s fuller than most of the people you work with down the road. You’re also going to be a pretty sexy man.

It’ll be all right, little dude.

 

 

 

October 14th, 2018: The Proposal

I try to be open with my girlfriend fiance (we’ll get to that in a minute) as much as possible. I like openness because it helps prevent unnecessary situations; situations that I’ve been in before that made me feel more vulnerable than I needed to, more scared than I should’ve been, etc. I’ve been on both sides of the spectrum: I’ve been the manipulator, and the manipulated. At the end of the day, either you’re the bad guy, or the fool. Over the years, I’ve just learned that there’s a middle ground that you can take to not seem like either of them: it’s about open communication. It isn’t easy; that’s for damn sure. Your significant other asks a loaded question, what are you gonna do? Lie through your teeth, give away micro-expressions that women pick up on, and get caught on that lie anyway? And they will! Women will totally ask you loaded questions just to gauge your reactions. The thing about it is…they all ready know what you’re going to say, but they still get mad about it!

It’s like getting caught jerking off. You know it’s bound to happen: you start sneaking around the house when your significant other suspects you’re sleeping, you may find out that they’re not always listening to love songs while smelling your underwear behind your back. Sometimes, when people are alone, their minds wander into dark territories and think about things that go beyond the relationship…such as lesbian pornography. As the manipulator, I can turn it against you and say “that’s bad,” but the manipulated will feel cheated/defeated. The bottom line is that we’re human. We’re more than just our relationships: we have inner demons, pasts, parts of us that we don’t necessarily like but they’re there. It’s what makes us perfectly imperfect.

Instead of doing that, I take the middle ground: I confess, I accept responsibility for my actions. I give you the truth, and what you do with that truth is up to you. My mouth gets me in trouble a lot, but…it’s all part of being open. Being open takes courage because we all know that the things we say can be held against us.

One thing my fiance has helped me learn about myself is that I’m a pretty fucked up person. My lack of attachment to people didn’t just happen on it’s own: it happened through situations that…happened, and I’ve just grown to be who I am. I don’t necessarily like the fact that I could just move on if my fiance decided to leave me, but how I feel is not really my fault. I could talk about all of those experiences and justify my beliefs, but it’s just who I’ve grown to be. So when I told my fiance that I’m getting married for her, she didn’t take it personally because she understood what I meant. What matters to me is that we’re together; I don’t care about anything else. I don’t care about the ring, I don’t care about the documentation, the name change. We’re together. We have a dog together, an apartment, we share a bed. We play with each other’s genitalia. What more could I ask for? Life’s wonderful. However, getting married meant that much to her, and she deserves happiness just as much as I do.

So that’s why I did it; that’s why I decided to propose. Sure…maybe down the road I’ll change my mind, we’ll get a divorce, she’ll sue the shit out of me, and I’ll have to pay for child support for a child I don’t even have. However, you know what? Fuck it. Because if getting married is going to make her life better, that’s worth the risk to me.

Anyway, I proposed today. We were in our kitchen, I was half naked, and half asleep. No, it wasn’t near as magical as I wanted it to be, but it happened. So, she’s my fiance now. We’re in the process of combining income, and we’re not entirely sure on what’s going to happen just yet. Next weekend, I plan on getting a loan and helping her consolidate her credit card debt to a low monthly payment. She’ll be making payments for 60 months, but at least she’ll be debt free in a set amount of time. What I’ll probably end up doing is taking on most of the bills so that we can use her paycheck as strictly saving towards a down payment on a house; that way, the money can’t be touched, we can budget more efficiently, and it’ll force me to cut back on spending (which has been an extremely bad habit lately). I’ve been wanting to do this for a while, even before I proposed, so I think it’ll work out. I’m not really looking forward to spending another year at the apartment, but it’s our best option.

We had a good weekend, though. Her family came over Saturday and we went to this BBQ place that had THE BEST BBQ chicken. With the weather being nice, we sat outside so people driving by could watch my fat ass swallow brisket, pulled pork, chicken, 1/2 rack of ribs, mashed potatoes, an macaroni like it was a rare meal in a post-apocalyptic world. It was also the first Saturday I didn’t have to take my dog to puppy training classes, so I was able to wake up at 10:30 naturally and not dread going anywhere. Sunday, we washed cars, took the dog to the dog park but left prematurely because some animal shelter brought 6 aggressive dogs. Athena is 30 pounds, this innocent little creature that tries to play with all the dogs there, and I wasn’t in the mood to have her taken to the hospital because of something that wasn’t her fault.

Plus there was a family there that seemed a bit off, like inbred off, like mother lets her kids explore her body off, and we felt like we didn’t belong there at that point in time. It was weird.

On the bright side, we went to Red Lobster and I had lobster for the first time. 11.99 for Maine lobster, and it sucked. I had mango and strawberry daiquiri, two of them, and they were freakin’ delicious. Luckily, I realized that we drove my car to Red Lobster midway into my second drink; otherwise, I would’ve kept going because I would’ve ended up feeling pretty good by the time we left.

Anyways, that’s all I got.

 

September 22nd, 2018

Today is a big achievement for me: this is the first day I haven’t had a coca-cola. Not just that, but it’s the first day I actually didn’t want to drink a coca-cola. It’s a big deal because just seven days ago, I had an entire 12-pack of Coke. On a daily average, I’d consume over 8-12 cans of Coke a day. Today, I haven’t had one; nor have I had the desire for one. As far as my coca-cola addiction is concerned, this week has been a huge victory for me. Not to mention the fact that I’ve lost 18 pounds in 6 days (that’s 3 pounds a day).

Yesterday was a big setback because I had Chinese food for lunch (which I didn’t finish) and four grilled hamburgers, but…you know what? I ain’t gonna fault myself for that. I’m picking myself back up, and I should because most of the times I give up is when I have these kinds of setbacks. I’m not gonna do it this time. I’m not gonna give myself a reason to fall off the wagon all because I wanted to enjoy two meals I’ve been craving throughout the week. I say this because my weekly diet consists of rice, chicken, and carrots.

One meal a day. That’s it.

If I’m feeling hungry, I’ll get a bag of white cheddar popcorn and nibble on it. I don’t go to bed hungry, and I drink a lot of water. Because of that, I’ve lost 10-18 pounds so far. Next week, I plan on hitting the gym once and it’ll be strictly cardio for a while. I’m not really looking to build muscle right now; as great as it would be to build my big arms back up to where they used to be (pretty big), my priority is bringing down my body weight to a comfortable level. 185 is my ideal weight, but I’m gonna shoot for 200 pounds. I was 215 pounds yesterday morning, but with the food I had…I’m gonna say 220. I hope I’m not setback that much, but we’ll see. I’m not really worried about it.

The reason why I’ve started trying to lose weight was to basically give myself a challenge. Work isn’t challenging anymore, and I’ve kinda screwed myself from moving up in the company so I can’t really learn anything else unless I move to the morning shift (which is never gonna happen). I’ve learned that if you don’t want to (or can’t) change your life, the least you can do is try to better yourself. The weight-loss challenge is just a inner-challenge for me to test my abilities; to see what I’m capable of. I’ve kinda plateaued over the past couple of months, and I just feel like I’m not really going anywhere with my life. It’s not a good feeling to have at 28 years old with very little accomplishment. There are things on which I should be proud of, but the bottom line is that, deep down inside, there’s still some things about myself that I don’t like.

My girlfriend made a valid point about my life, though: I don’t have much family anymore. I used to think my sister and dad would help me through anything if I asked for it: however, my dad passed away two years ago, and my sister is just another distant relative. She lives in California, chasin’ dreams, but the distance is all about our lack of connection. We’ve fallen apart for the past five years because I’ve slowly learned to build up the courage to stand up for myself and say that what my sister did to me was not okay. It’s not what you think it is, but she kicked me while I was down at the lowest point of my life, and that’s not what family does. At the end of the day, she’s just looking out for her own self-interest, and that’s not a person I want to have to rely on when shit goes south.

I was just tired of being fake; pretending that seeing her didn’t make me want to throw up in my mouth. I’m dreading Thanksgiving, having to endure the endless amounts of questions towards her from other family members, asking her about her perfect life. I used to be proud of my sister’s accomplishments, I used to be proud to be her big brother, but when shit went south, she was stabbing me in the back. Five years later, that still pisses me off. The thought of it. The rationale. You kicked me while I was down. How dare you? How fucking dare you?

Then there’s my mom: bipolar and clinically depressed. The last thing she said to me was through a text and said “by the way, you’re not invited to my funeral.” What kind of son wants to hear something like that from the woman who wiped his ass until he learned how to use a toilet? The irony in this situation is that she said what she said because she claimed I’m still that hateful person she claims I used to be. Maybe so, maybe so. However, if I still would want my sister to attend my funeral, despite what I feel towards her, then who has more hate?

My grandparents are the only people I feel support from. However, they’re moving into a nursing home, and you know what eventually happens after that. There’s a large disconnect from the family. On top of the things my ex-girlfriend has called me (a “loser” for starters, during the times when I didn’t know who I was), I guess I understand where my disconnect from people comes from. The people closest to me have somehow managed to hurt me the most. Consequently, I’m more cold-hearted than I used to be: I know it, my family knows it, and my girlfriend knows it the most. Now.

So the whole weight-loss thing is a step towards the direction I’d like to go. I’d like to be…a better person. I’m not entirely sure what that means, but losing weight and having a healthy mind is a good start. That’s kinda why quitting Coke is such a big deal: I’ve been addicted to it for years.

If quitting a long-term heavy addiction can be done in a week, imagine what I can do in a month.

 

September 10th, 2018

I went to Microcenter yesterday while my girlfriend took a short nap, and it was more eventful than usual. Usually, I’ll just browse the computer store for about 10-15 minutes and leave, but this time I was on a mission to find certain products. The main reason why I went was to find the EVGA GeForce GTX 1080 Ti FTW3 GAMING 11GB GDDR5X video card. It was actually on sale for 729 last weekend, but they were out of stock. Not surprisingly enough, they’re still out of stock, but the price went up to 770; still about 30 dollars cheaper than Amazon.

I also did some research on this Microcenter credit card, and it turns out that I screwed up. I thought that the card offered 5% cashback at no annual fee, with a no-interest 6 month promotion, but it’s actually 5% off your purchases for six months, OR no interest for six months. If it offered 5% cashback reward at no annual fee, I would’ve got it because apparently I don’t have enough credit cards. I have a 769 credit score, but the only things holding me back from a better credit score is the age of my credit, and the amount of accounts that I have. I know that I have a pretty dang good credit score, but having a near perfect credit score would hopefully be able to bring future interest rates down so I wouldn’t have to pay as much in the long run. My girlfriend and I plan on buying a house and we’re definitely going to get a loan. A house is probably the biggest purchase I’ll ever make, and because I hear a lot of horror stories about buying houses, I wanna make sure that I make the best decisions I possibly can.

I know that the last paragraph was boring. I’m sorry.

With that being said…

I also went to the back of the store to check out them gaming monitors, specifically the Acer Predator, to see if I could upgrade from my recently purchased Sceptre C275B-144MN 27″ gaming monitor on Amazon for 250 bucks. Technically, I’m still eligible to return the monitor and get my money back, BUT….that makes too much sense. Instead, I’m gonna keep it and add one more regret to my belt.

I don’t have enough regret in my life, you know what I mean? AM I RIGHT? YA FEEL ME?

I’m stupid.

So, a salesman approaches me with a semi-erection and he asks if I’m interested in what I’m looking at which, at this point, is the Acer Predator. The brand Acer is like Germany to some people. When you think of Germany, what comes to mind? I think of the Holocaust. I don’t know a damn thing about Germany aside from their dark past. Acer used to be the worst brand out there. Back then, they had terrible reviews that made you cringe; especially their laptops. Back then, you would’ve been better buying an HP than you would an Acer, because buying an Acer was like having a McDonald’s male employee jizz in your ice-cream cone. Yeah, you still get ice-cream, it probably still tastes like ice-cream, but you’re also swallowing another man’s jizz. And you know it too because jizz probably has a different temperature than ice-cream does, so that distinctive feeling on your tongue, the difference of temperature, is an indication that you are in the process of swallowing another man’s jizz. So you’re aware of it while you’re eating.

That’s how I feel about Acer. When I read the specs on the Predator, I felt like I was watching the dude jack off into my ice-cream cone. I felt violated. 165 Hz, G-Sync, while that’s what I’m lookin’ for, it’s freakin’ ACER dude. I mean…a review said that the monitor smells.

You know what else smells? Jizz.

I was lucky because they were temporarily out-of-stock. “No, no,” the salesman said as he shook his head. He explained that they received a new shipment of Predators, and off he went to the back without asking if I wanted him to wheel it out. I felt like bolting out, but I stop by the store every weekend almost; he surely would’ve seen me again and gave me the stink eye.

He wheeled that sucker out and I didn’t realize how big those suckers are. 31 inches for a monitor is massive. I’ve been gaming on a 24″ monitor my entire life. The Sceptre is 27″ and it’s not terrible, but it’s a lot of screen; that’s the main reason why I don’t want it. It’s too big.

I went home empty handed. Again.

It drives me nuts that I have a motherboard and processor sitting on my computer desk waiting to have brothers and sisters join them. Those two alone costed me over 600 dollars because I got the limited edition 808K I7 (6-core 5.0 GHz), and the Gigabyte Z370 Aorus Gaming 7 Motherboard. I’m not really thrilled about spending another 2,500+ on a gaming PC, but I know that I won’t have to upgrade for another 10 years and it’s gonna prepare me for the new Elder Scrolls, Fallout 76, etc. Also, Windows is going to stop supporting Windows 7 in 2 years. Windows 10 is rolling out with a big update, people say that it’s better than what it was, but I’m still not convinced just yet. I’m hoping that Windows 10 gets better within the next couple years; otherwise, I’m gonna force myself to buy an inferior Windows all because I don’t have much of a choice. A lot can happen in two years, though.

I wanna say that I’m waiting till Black Friday to buy computer parts, but a part of me doesn’t want to get involved with games anymore. I just spent the past 2 hours playing PC Building Simulator, and I probably had more fun playing that than games like Rocket League, Fortnite, etc. In fact, I uninstalled Fortnite several weeks ago, and haven’t looked back. 90% of the big purchases I make are electronics; can you imagine how much I’ll save if I stop making big purchases on electronics? The possibilities are endless. Build a computer I don’t need at the moment, or pay my car off? Seems like a no-brainer. Not me, though.

There really was so much more I wanted to talk about, plans for the rest of 2018, but I’m tired. I gotta be up in 7 hours, and my eyes are starting to get heavy. I’ll leave you on a new picture of my dog:

Athena1

 

 

 

July 15th, 2018: Raising a Dog, New Job Position, and Financial Problems

Just over a month ago, Valerya and I adopted our first puppy together, Athena.

20180609_173709
Adoption day!

To be honest with you, one of the only reasons why we ended up getting a puppy on that particular day is because of my girlfriend. If I didn’t feel like having an animal in the apartment would make her day better, I would’ve walked away from Athena; however, I chose Athena simply because she was the most quiet of all the puppies, and she was cute. Technically, I did walk away, but the small piece of my heart that I had left told me that I’m not to go home empty-handed again; eventually, after holding the puppy, we made the decision to get her.

I can tell my girlfriend is happier since we got the puppy, so I feel like adopting a puppy was a good decision. As much as my girlfriend wanted an older dog than what we have, I feel like getting a puppy was a good decision because it really opened my eyes about parenting. Previously, I didn’t think I could take care of a child; now I know I definitely can’t take care of a child.

Children was and still is a big topic between my girlfriend and I; it’s caused a handful of arguments/disagreements. Ever since we’ve gotten a puppy, my girlfriend is beginning to lean towards my line of thinking about having children. Originally, I was unsure about children so I assumed that I would grow to want children; however, it went a different direction. Unfortunately, my girlfriend was caught in the middle of figuring out what I wanted, and it took a lot for me to confess my doubts about having children to her knowing that it’s going to upset her. She’s a woman, right…she’s got that natural desire to have children, that monogamous desire to raise a family, share those experiences together, and then there’s the P.O.S I am because I’d rather receive a big paycheck every week from the amount of hours I work than sacrifice hours to spend more time raising a child, and not having the motivation to make those sacrifices. We’ve originally come to an agreement that we would have a kid if I made enough money for her to be a stay-at-home mother, but…I think what it all comes down to is I just don’t want the responsibility of raising a child. I wouldn’t want to put the burden of my girlfriend to raise a child pretty much on her own; that’s not fair for her, and not fair for the child, either.

On our way to Microcenter yesterday, we talked briefly about children again, and she expressed that she doesn’t want to be a stay-at-home mom. I guess we’re more in-line now, which is good, but I think there’s always going to be that part of me that believes, deep down, she’s settling on having children to be with me; this potentiality kinda breaks my heart, but I’ve been as communicative as I can, and hope that she makes the best decision she can, too. As much as I love my girlfriend, I want her to be happy, too.

She also knows that if we were to break up, she’d take the dog with her. The things we say to each other are kind of fucked up sometimes, but to me…it’s the only way to have a healthy relationship. So, yeah.

Because I work more hours, I’m getting a bigger paycheck. Compared to last year, I’m making about 300 dollar more a week. With one paycheck, I can almost pay my rent (which is 63% of my bills). After my second paycheck, it’s theoretically straight profit; however, I have horrible spending habits.

It’s really bad. One thing I am changing is that I’m gonna start making my own lunches and bringing them to work: this is going to cut off my weekly restaurant spending (pizza), and vending machine spending (coca-cola). Also, the food is going to be healthier and I’ll be able to control my coca-cola intake. I may actually lose weight with this change, in fact. Two weeks ago, I had pizza for 3 work days: that’s 3 entire pizzas I’ll be missing out on if I follow through with this commitment. I’m actually kinda excited about it.

The good thing about my spending habits is that they can be controlled, and I know what I’m doing wrong. By cutting back on compulsive Amazon spending, vending machine purchases, fast food/restaurant spending, I can easily save about 400 dollars a month. If I leave the grocery shopping to my girlfriend, that’s 400 extra dollars I can put into my car payment. That’s a big freakin’ deal!

I have made some smart purchases, though. Instead of buying and building a new computer, I’m sorta upgrading the one I have now. Researching my motherboard, the P7P55 WS Supercomputer Motherboard, the max RAM is 16 GB. Come to find out, I only had 8 GB of ram (4 sticks of 2 GB). I bought 2×8 GB of RAM. Also, come to find out…my wireless adapter isn’t capable of my internet speed (which is 1000 MBPS). My adapter is only pulling 270 MBPS. As you can imagine, getting an adapter that can achieve 1000 MBPS is probably going to make my internet faster on my computer. I think those two changes are going to make a big difference. The next thing I plan on doing is investing in a 4 TB hard drive. I have a SSD that I’ll transfer important stuff into, and hopefully reinstall Windows 7 on my new hard drive with a clean slate. 300-400 for upgrades is better than a brand new 2,000+ gaming PC. Yeah, building a new computer is so much more fun than upgrading the one I have now, but I’m putting priority on saving, and that’s the direction I’d like to go.

Aside from those financial goals I have, I have other goals, as well. I don’t particularly feel the need to talk about those goals since I’m supposed to be in bed within the next 35 minutes to get a full 8 hours of sleep (which ain’t gonna happen). I could go all day about the things I’d like to do, but I’ve covered most of it. For the most part, life is pretty good. We had a minor setback when Athena got really sick one night, my girlfriend genuinely thought she had parvo and was gonna die, but I wasn’t convinced. Thankfully, I was right that time because it’s usually my girlfriend that’s right. Other than that, work is work; I don’t have time during the weekday to do anything. If I really wanted to, I could cut back on about 7-9 hours of work, but that’s over 200 bucks a week that I’d be giving up.

At this point, we’re kinda in limbo. I want to get a house because I’m ready to take on the responsibility while basking in the freedom of owning your own home. I wanna build equity and have the complete privacy I’ve always wanted to get back into podcasting, streaming, and whatnot. So we’re just kinda sitting in this apartment we don’t want anymore and waiting for the right moment. Maybe the right moment is now, but…I’d like to save up 10 grand first so we can get a jump start on emergency money in case something needs to be fixed on the house. Also, I want to buy half decent kitchen appliances. We’ll see what happens.

Until next time…

 

 

March 11th, 2018: BIG UPDATE!

In a nutshell…

Girlfriend and I moved into a new apartment complex sometime last month. We’re paying 136 dollars more than our previous apartment, but that extra 136 dollars comes with:

  1.  A fireplace (that we probably will never use)
  2. A second bedroom (which I have made into a gaming room)
  3. A second bathroom
  4. A second walk-in closet
  5. A gated community
  6. Larger floor plan

The community is also higher rated, and closer to my girlfriend’s work.

So far, we’ve experienced a couple of issues:

  1. We do see baby roaches every once in a while, despite being on the top floor and them saying they don’t have an issue with bugs.
  2. The bathroom tubs were cheaply placed because they make a lot of noise when you move around in them.
  3. The parking lot is not lighted well, so it’s hard to see the lines at night. Also, good parking is hard to come by.

Other than that, we do love our apartment. I bought a gate opener for 50 bucks, so I never really had an issue with the gate unless there’s a line of entitled people who start looking for their card in their pile of shit after they reach the gate. The location on the public road isn’t superb, but I’ve been figuring out better routes to and from work that make the drive more bearable. I spend more time on the highway, and less time waiting at stop lights.

Aside from the inconvenience of having an apartment complex that’s on the third floor, I am happy with the decision we made to move despite the setbacks we’ve had. The biggest setback we’ve had was choosing to hire professional movers. We spent 600-700 dollars on professional movers, a supposed respectable moving company (with high ratings), and we got sloppy work. Most of our furniture was damaged in some way. Fortunately, my 65′ and 50′ 4K TV’s weren’t damaged, but I would’ve been better off hiring some co-workers to help me move, and use that 700 dollars to order plenty of pizza, and put it towards a down payment on a house.

Our first big purchase was a new mattress. We bought an 850 dollar mattress, on sale, at the place we ordered our couch from. The mattress ended up being very tall on our bed, so it was a hassle getting into bed. Another issue we had was the annoying sounds it made when we moved. It drove me nuts until I literally bribed my girlfriend into putting the mattress & box spring on the floor so we would eliminate all the issues. Originally, she accepted my 600 dollar bribe (yes…600 dollars for her approval on taking apart the bed frame and putting the mattress on the floor), but later decided that she didn’t want to take my money like that. Luckily, I have an understanding girlfriend; otherwise, I would’ve owed her 600 dollars on top of the money I had already owed her (which was over a thousand dollars at the time).

The appliances for the apartment are…apartment appliances. We didn’t get the fancy apartment complex, so we signed up for the piece of shit. On the bright side, we actually had to have a dishwasher replaced due to a big water leak, so now we have a new dishwasher. We haven’t had an issue with the oven like we did with our last apartment, which is great, but the issues with it are so small that it’s not even worth mentioning. At this point, I’m just being a white person wanting to complain, so let’s move on.

Originally, and perhaps I’ve mentioned this in a previous blog, there was a possibility of me moving up in the company. The reason why we didn’t consider getting a house was because my life was in limbo since November of last year. There’s been a lot of talk about people moving up in the company which would open up potential positions for people like me. With everything that was going on, I felt like everything made sense, and I was absolutely so sure that I was going to get a certain position when it opened up. Well, long story short…that position opened up, and I didn’t get it.

I was livid, to say the least.

There’s a lot of speculation on why I didn’t get the position. I never bothered to ask why because it’s in poor taste to ask such a question when they’ve potentially offered you a better position long-term, and I turned it down. All that I know is that the guy who got the position specified that he was not mobile, and that I specified that I was mobile. For that, I have myself to blame. After all, there’s a sheet on my record that clearly states that I’m mobile. However, when they say mobile…they really mean mobile. They offered me a training program into management, but…they didn’t give me any details on where I was going to end up. If I was a single dude with no financial obligations, I’d be fine with that; however, I’ve got a girlfriend that I can’t financially afford for her to quit her job, and she doesn’t have the luxury to upfront transfer into the position she is, or desires. It would’ve been a huge setback for the both of us, and I actually make more money than the starting salary they said they’d give me.

Knowing that I could be having my girlfriend give up her dream of having children, I don’t want to put her through more than I already have. I, too, have dreams of owning a home, having big dogs, and doing all these great things together, but I can’t live my life bouncing from place to place in the hopes that one day I’ll make enough money for her to quit her job, and I can finally throw in the towel and say that I don’t want to move up anymore.

It was a tough decision because I worked hard to get to that point. However, all is not lost. One of my bosses is trying to hook me up with a different position that consists of more hours so, at the very least, I’ll be making more money down the road. Perhaps it’ll lead into different opportunities.

Technically, there’s still a position open that I could get, but because I denied moving up in general, I can’t move up within the facility. At this point, I’m whatever. It sucks that things fell apart like that, but on the bright side…I know I won’t be moving to a different location which opens up opportunity for us to buy a house in the near future. We’re gonna give it about a year, evaluate where we’re at financially, and see what we can afford. We might wait two years, even. Maybe even three. However, our next big thing is buying a house. Originally, I chose to live in apartments for the convenience of not having to cut grass and worry about appliances falling apart, but I’m turning 28 years old soon, and it’s time for me to branch out a little bit.

One of the things that have helped me cope with denying a great job opportunity was making the decision to start working on myself. Now that I know I’m not moving up anytime soon, or moving, I can start focusing more on my personal life. The reasoning isn’t important, it’s personal and that negativity is completely gone out of my life, but my work life used to be my main focus.

With that being said…I start going to the gym tomorrow. Once a week will be okay, but I’m gonna shoot for two times a week. For starters. Also, for starters, I’ll be drinking 3 Cokes a day to cut out my caffeine intake. I’m going to start out small, and work my way up. If it’s anything like last time, going to the gym will solve most of my problems with addictions and whatnot, so I won’t have to struggle for a long time. I want to start being healthy again, and I’ve lost track of that. I’ll be keeping results, but won’t be posting them on a regular…if at all. My vision is to document as much as possible my journey through videos, so if you’ll get an update on anything, it’s through a Youtube video. This may even be my last blog for another month; I’m not sure.

Just know that all is well. I hope you are well, AS WELL!

Thanks!

 

Advice 001: The Fear of Losing Someone

In my first long-term relationship, I was a completely different type of boyfriend than I am now: I was clingy, obsessive, jealous, manipulative, and I was anything else you could possibly imagine. Deep down inside, I always hated being those things because it occupied a lot of my time, and it messed with my mind. It got so bad that I was snooping through e-mails on a semi-regular basis, checking text messages secretly, and looking through anything I could get my hands on without being noticed. I didn’t always assume that something was going on behind my back, but I felt like knowledge was power; I felt like knowing what was going on behind the curtain would help me keep control of the relationship. At the very least, if anything were to happen, I’d see it coming.

I used to believe I was super analytical. I was confident in my abilities to read partners, and felt that if a woman wanted to leave me, I’d be able to spot the deterioration before it leads to the final act (the breakup). All of the manipulative, clingy, obsessive, and jealous things I did was done out of fear. I was manipulative because I avoided situations that would put me in vulnerable situations, I was clingy because the more time spent together, the more I could supervise and, at the very least, know that they aren’t doing anything behind my back while I’m with them. I was obsessive because I let that fear control my life. I hardly was ever home, I lost a great group of friends because I stopped hanging out with them, I lost interest in hitting the gym, going to school, and going to work.

As you might suggest, my motivation for going to such extremes was because of the fear I had of losing that particular person. The fear is very real, ladies and gentlemen. Justified or not, it is a strong emotion that can easily mess with our minds.

Of course, my mind thought the fear was justified. I thought my behavior towards the relationship was rational. You love someone more than you love yourself, why shouldn’t you be afraid to lose that person? You think you’re doing all the things you’re doing for the relationship, but what you’re really doing is doing irrational things because you’re afraid. That’s what we do when we’re afraid; we often resort to extreme measures. We try to get a grip on the relationship, gain as much control as we can, and we convince ourselves that everything is under control. That is, of course, until you actually lose that person.

I don’t wish that kind of pain on anybody, but that pain made me the boyfriend that I am today. It surely is a demon I had to wrestle with because it was very difficult seeing my new behavior as the norm. Originally, I felt like a bad boyfriend for being carefree about the relationship, but people suggest otherwise. People say that it’s not being a bad boyfriend; it’s being a healthy boyfriend.

Being a healthy boyfriend is a far more productive way of keeping a relationship than it is to be the kind of boyfriend I used to be. However, to be a healthy boyfriend, you have to have a healthy mind. If you hate yourself, wanna kill yourself, and having a girlfriend is the only thing in your life that gives you a reason to live, there is nothing healthy about the way you view your relationship. If you’re at that kind of mindset, you’ve put too much into the relationship to let it go that easily, so you would literally fight to keep it. That fear of losing someone is something that you don’t want to experience because when you let the fear control you, it defines who you are and what you do as a partner. Every action you make is not done in a genuine manner; every action is done to avoid as much as humanely possible the possible. The problem isn’t just that, but it’s also the possibility that you don’t even realize you’re doing it. In your mind, your actions are justified, so you don’t think twice about it. In your mind, there is no doubt because if anyone argues otherwise, it’s just a way of them saying that they don’t love you as much as you love them. If they refuse to let you snoop into their e-mails/texts, then they’re the ones who are guilty. You think you aren’t the problem, but you are exactly the problem.

It’s a hard truth to swallow, but getting rid of the fear reeaallllyyy opens you up. When you get rid of the fear, you deal with the raw emotions of the relationship. You enjoy the relationship for what it is, and not what you attempt to create. The experiences aren’t all artificial. The gifts you give aren’t given to keep them beside you; they’re given because you want them to have it. You don’t wake up every morning without them feeling like they’re doing something behind your back, or not eating for weeks when they’re gone on vacation with family because you’re afraid that they’re going to come back and explain to you that they cheated on you. You’re not afraid to be yourself, to spend time with friends when you can, to do things outside of the relationship when you know that your life is the only thing you can control the most of; and arguably, you can’t even control that, either.

Letting go of the fear is embracing the possibility that she will cheat on you, she will break up with you, she will leave you for the Mexican neighbor. As corny as it sounds and as much as you hear it, the idea is completely true: relationships are about teamwork. Openness with your partner goes a long way. Now…that path might lead to something uncomfortable (such as divorce, breaking up, separating, etc), but if you’re really truly honest with your partner, the tough decisions can be as neutral as they can possibly be. Divorce straight up sucks, I imagine, but I think anyone could agree that if you’re going to divorce your partner, it’s better to do it when you both agree with it. On a much smaller scale, I’d imagine breakups being the same way.

Being honest is…well…super tough, and it takes both people to keep an open dialogue. Keeping an open dialogue takes an open mind, because the minute someone starts ridiculing something you’ve confessed, you’re less likely to tell that person the next time. Knowledge is a luxury, ladies and gentlemen. Just because you’re dating someone, doesn’t mean you’re entitled to know everything there is to know about that person at all times. What you know about someone is what’s been presented to you: whether it’s from the partner themselves, or through some kind of record they didn’t care enough to hide. And just because you may find something that they didn’t tell you doesn’t automatically mean they’re trying to hide it; there’s a lot of things that happen in our lives that can easily slip our minds.

What you know about someone is almost completely based on what they want you to know about them. It takes a lot of strength to maintain composure when someone confesses something you don’t want to hear, but it takes even more strength to confess something they know you don’t want to hear voluntarily. As previously mentioned, if someone wants to get away with something, there’s ways to do that: we’ve got VPN’s, disposable email addresses, private browsing, etc.

We all know this. However, if you were/are anything like I used to be, you were in denial of this truth because it’s too much for you to deal with. Sure…she might give you a password or two to some of her accounts, but what about the other accounts you don’t know about? What about the text messages, all the contacts she claims to be “John” from work, or “Cindy” as the woman she used to hang out with in high school? What about the numbers she’s got unlisted, or the phone numbers she’s got stashed away on page 78 of her U.S. History 102 college textbook?

How certain can you really be? Unless you’re physically with your partner 24/7, there is always going to be uncertainty…no matter what you do! You can install your hidden software, you can raid her text messages while she’s in the shower, you can browse her e-mail while she’s at work, you can install security cameras “to keep her safe,” but…is it really worth it?

The old me would’ve said “yes.” However, that’s because I used to think I was smarter, more observant, than the average bear. I thought I could beat the fear; I thought I could control the relationship, and make it how I wanted it to be. At the end of the day…what I “tried” to prevent still happened, regardless.

Where does this fear come from? Obviously, it comes from within us. People hate being single. Why? People don’t like to be alone. Why? We’re afraid of losing the people we love. Why? The people who hate being single hate being single because they perceive it as a bad thing. People hate being alone because they perceive it as a bad thing. People are afraid to lose people because they assume that the result of losing someone is going to end up in bad circumstances (you can’t afford house payments, you’ll lose custody of the kids, etc). While they are bad circumstances to be in, people worry about these things before anything even happens. More importantly, they worry about things but don’t actively create a backup plan on the off-chance that it does happen. That’s why we have these things called emergency funds, access to loans, a network (friends), to help pull us out of a rut when we’re faced with circumstances we can’t deal with on our own.

Again…there are bad circumstances, but the impact of a circumstance largely depends on how you handle the situation. Of course…every circumstance is different; if you lose your job, you can fill out all the applications you want but that doesn’t guarantee you’re hired. However, when we’re dealing with the fear of losing someone, the outcome is the same: we become single. Again…some people have to deal with more (such as legal issues and whatnot), but the issue with losing someone you don’t want to lose is being forced back into the dating scene that you don’t want to be a part of. For most of us, that’s the worst part. However, being single is really not that bad. Sure…you have to deal with not having your partner in your life, which is unfortunate, but you’re given a chance to start over with someone new and potentially better for you, anyway. In the mean time, you can enjoy the freedoms associated with being single. Those months/years you spent with your previous partner weren’t for nothing, of course. Every relationship and every setback you experience shapes you into the partner you are today.

If being single is tough for you, then you’re not really single. Your mind isn’t in the right place. Again…it’s about being healthy minded. That’s why people say that you can’t love someone until you love yourself; it’s not that you can’t love someone, but when you create a dependence on your girlfriend, you create risks. Some people go their whole lives with only being in one relationship, and that’s great; however, others aren’t so fortunate. A lot of us have to go through bad relationships, bad experiences, to get the people we are compatible with to share a life together. A lot of us have to learn hard lessons in life to be able to differentiate between a good woman, and a compatible woman. When you create unnecessary risks, you set yourself to fail. If you have a joint bank account because you’re married, that’s a necessary risk because it makes sense. However, if you’re using fear to spend more time with your girlfriend when you should be studying for that test, or making extra money to afford your bills and add onto your emergency fund, then you’re putting unnecessary risk on yourself. And as much as we love our girlfriends, we shouldn’t have to burden our partners with paying our bills all because you wanted to spend an extra Monday with her so could chaperone while she’s out with her friends. It doesn’t work like that. It shouldn’t work like that. That’s not a healthy relationship.

I’ve grown to view healthy relationships as two people doing what they enjoy, supporting each other in the process, and enjoying each other in the process for as long as it lasts. That’s all you can really do. You can still hope that nothing bad happens, and you can still love your partner to the best of your abilities, but what it all comes down to is that your life is your life. If you don’t develop a healthy mind to get rid of the fear of losing someone, then the fear is what’s going to prevent you from being the best partner you can be. One way or another, we all learn. Unfortunately, the hard way is always the best way to learn valuable lessons in life, but it doesn’t have to be.

It’s your choice, and it always has been.

 

 

 

January 22nd, 2018

If she’s anything,

She’s wonderful.

I woke up this afternoon with her beside me. The phone screen showed just over noon time, and her eyes were just as closed as mine. She had fallen back asleep, when she didn’t have to. Yesterday was her day off of work, and it seems like all she longs for is for me to hold her while she goes to sleep, and waking up next to me. She spoils me, treats me like a king, and the only thing I’m motivated to give back to her is an arm around her.

I guess that’s all she really wants.

Already sacrificed more than a woman should for us to be together, and everyday I wonder why she still puts up with my bullshit.

But there she was laying next to me.

My heart may be calloused, and my mind may have thoughts that get me in trouble, but when I wake up next to her, the sun always seems brighter when it shines through the window blinds.

“What would you like to do today?” She asked, pressing her head against my chest.

Jesus Christ, woman.

“I don’t know,” I say while rubbing her arm in a circular motion. Her and I have difficulty coming up with plans during the weekend, and it’s no one’s fault. Everyday, someone asks the other person that question…every Saturday, and Sunday. Never fails. Unless, of course, there’s already plans.

You gotta understand…I don’t plan. I don’t plan much of anything. It’s weird because my unhealthy habits would be things you’d expect someone who has hit rock bottom to do. I’ve hit rock bottom, and my condition of life isn’t on that level. I’ve “let go” of many things, but my life is great. It’s weird. My girlfriend doesn’t bring me down about the things I do or don’t do that negatively impact myself, and I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or not. Maybe I do need my ass kicked every once in a while, but she doesn’t make me feel like a piece of shit. She’s supportive, even if it’s a dream she has to give up, a flaw she has to accept, etc. I couldn’t ask for a better woman in my life. It sucks, you know? It sucks that she wasn’t the first. But something has always told me that she’ll be the last.

Last Saturday, we took a trip down to my grandparent’s house. I go there as much as I can because it’s good to stay in touch. When my dad passed away, I made a vow to myself that I was going to spend just a little bit more time with my family, keep them updated about my life, see what’s going on with them. I’m still a piece of shit, so I don’t bother trying to help them with things that they might need help with, but…I can’t even help myself. Outside of work, I’m…fat. I’m in the pre-stages of diabetes, I have an unimpressive amount of money in my bank account, and I’m…well…in dire need of a lifestyle change.

I’ve never denied my imperfections, but I make some pretty terrible decisions. I’m capable of more, to look at it in a positive way. I’m capable of saving more money, I’m capable of losing a ton of weight, I’m capable of being more productive. I know what to do about it, but…bringing us back to the beginning of this post…I don’t plan. I don’t think. I jump to conclusions, and don’t take the time to think about my actions. Consequently, I owe several people money through loans, credit card debts, etc, and I don’t do dick about it.

I’m not really hard on myself, but I’m starting to think that…maybe I should be.

When I went over to my grandparent’s house, I washed my car because they weren’t there. After that, we went to a restaurant called “Tin Drum.” It’s a unique tasting noodle place, with peanuts. Not being racist, but some black dude was cashiering and looked high as balls. He asked me if I was a fan of horror movies. His eyes were darting in different directions, and I couldn’t help but knock this feeling that I was going to find one of his pube hairs in my noodles.

Forgot to mention…last Friday, I went to my credit union and refinanced my car loan. Supposedly, it went from 6.95% to 2.99% APR…whatever the heck that means. I’m not gonna pay off my car loan any faster, but I figure that I’d save a little bit more refinancing my loan. I still pay just over 250 dollars a month, but this time I got GAP insurance. I was unaware of what gap insurance was, and I’m an idiot for not getting it in the first place considering my driving habits. I owe 12 grand on the car still.

Anyways…

Sunday was pretty productive. My girlfriend and I took a trip to some furniture mart, same place where we got our couch from. We’ve found a bed that we’re interested in, AND we’ve decided on getting a reclining loveseat. When we move into our new apartment, we’re gonna figure out what’s going where, but I’m super excited about it because I’ve had some trouble trying to sell the couch on Letgo. I spent 6 dollars on featuring the couch, so…that’s six dollars wasted. Had a few bites here and there, but people have wanted to be cheap asses, trying to negotiate the price when the info says, very clearly, that “the price is non-negotiable.” We’ve only had sex on the twice 2-3 times. What do you think I’m trying to do…let go of this couch? I mean…c’mon!

We also went to Costco which, again, was a gigantic waste of time. They only sold female slippers. I’m fairly certain we won’t be renewing our…thingy.

Started reading a Dave Ramsey book called “Complete Guide to Money.” I’m super white.

I’m tired, and want to play Rocket League. That doesn’t even make sense. I should stop drinking Cokes.

This blog sucks, but so do I.

Bye.

January 6th: First Blog of The Year

Picture10

If there’s one thing I can’t stand, it’s cold weather. I really miss spring. I miss the warm weather. I miss walking outside and being glad that I wore short pants to work instead of long pants. Instead, I walk outside only to be greeted by the whisper of cold air saying “go back inside.” But I can’t because I’m an adult whose life would fall apart if I called into work saying “I’m quitting my job. Cya never.”

Life revolves around capitalism.

The consumption of money.

I’ve come to terms with it. It’s a fact of life. I’m happier now that I’m making enough money to actually support myself, and being able to spoil myself from time to time. On top of that, it’s nice being able to rent (even though I don’t own it) an apartment, which gives me the luxury of doing anything I want (within reason) without feeling judged. I’m not happy to work, I’m working to be happy. And as of right now…life is pretty great! Though work has given me wonderful opportunities to buy new cars, do some small traveling, my happiness is not solely based on working. I’m a human being first before anything else. We all have our dream jobs; it’s not that I don’t enjoy working for my company, it’s just that…though working is a large aspect of adulthood, it’s not the highlight of my life. Work is just a great way to create more memories and afford protection against things/people that want to break down our body composition as fast as possible.

It just really sucks when you step outside in the cold weather and realize that you’re gonna be working in that temperature for the majority of your waking day. I haven’t even had it that bad lately because I’ve been what you call a “fill-in supervisor.” I’ve been filling in for supervisor because another supervisor has been on short-term disability. His misfortune has helped me out because I’ve gotten hands-on training for when I actually become a supervisor. Typically, I’d be driving a fork-lift…and those things are like driving cars without windows at 10 miles an hour. It’s nice being able to keep my hands in my pocket, walk around, and tell everyone else what to do. It’s a change, and it’s been a nice change because some of the responsibilities that I have are responsibilities that most people try to avoid. There are some responsibilities that I enjoy more than others. I’m fortunate because I’ve worked towards having those responsibilities. I know how to do more than most people do at work, and I’m thankful for those opportunities to learn.

But…this freakin’ WEATHER! GOSH! How miserable it makes a person feel. Not just that, but the weather runs of the risk (RISK I SAY) of snowing, and we all know the consequences of SNOW! Forget about driving anywhere, unless you want to lose traction and slide against a side-walk!

Oh yeah! Cold weather is great.

But…it was my last day of work for the week, until next week! I’ve been told that the supervisor on STD will be back to work on Monday, which would mean that I’m no longer being a fill-in supervisor and, therefore, back to potentially doing responsibilities that everyone is trying to avoid.

Yesterday morning was kind of upsetting, though. My girlfriend’s schedule got switched up so I’m able to wake up next to her (which is great), but she got an e-mail from a company she applied for, and got denied. It breaks my heart a little bit because she works for a company that doesn’t value her, and she’s tried so hard to move up in her company. She’s been with the company for over 7 years, she’s gotten a little taste of management, but hasn’t quite gotten there yet. My girlfriend is a really intelligent person, and it really upsets me to see her experience these setbacks. I can’t say that I know how she feels because you never really know how someone really feels, but I’ve been in a situation a handful of years ago where I was working for a company for next to nothing. 7.45 an hour? How can you possibly expect a person to really enjoy what they do for 7.45 an hour? I was with that company for about 5-7 years, off and on. The highlight of my day was watching the live lobsters eat each other till one died.

So, yeah.

There’s some crap that I gotta deal with, but I can’t complain. Tax season is here, my girlfriend and I are set to move into another apartment complex where I’ll finally be getting a limited man-cave (I say “limited” because I can’t install a 5.1 500W surround sound system in the apartment), which will allow us to get a dog.

Supposedly, next month, I’ll be doing a responsibility at work that I really don’t want to do, but on the bright side…it’s also the month where my job will be moving people around in the company, and I may be one of those individuals who gets to be what I already do on paper. I hope so. Either way, life is still good, but but I really love the pursuit of something because it makes me happy. It feels good to know of future possibilities because I’m always reminded of how bad my life used to be, and how great it is now.

But that weather, though. Sheesh. How can you enjoy cold weather when your nose is running all day? Spring, come back.

My day wasn’t half bad. We finished our jobs right around the goal, if not before our daily goal, and I was, of course, the last person to finish. Yet again, I had to pick up a co-worker’s slack, but it’s the same co-worker I look up to in a supervisor.

It’s the weekend now. Tomorrow, my girlfriend will have to be at work in the later afternoon, which will give me some game time with some of my co-workers. We’ll be playing Fortnite on the PS4 pretty much all day, and I’ll be attempting to do some much needed apartment cleaning to prepare for our eventual (and finally arrived) move-out.

I’m tired, and I can hear my girlfriend shifting in the bed…which means she’s looking at the security cameras to see if I’m jerking off.

It’s time to go to bed.

Until next time…

Good night.

September 4th, 2017

I really miss blogging. Real blogging. Innocent blogging.

I began blogging as an early teenager. Looking back at my entries dating back to 2003, 2004, 2005, etc., my blogs were often short and to the point. I didn’t stray much into thoughts, feelings, but I did make notes of important events that had happened that day: fights breaking out, family arguments, homework that I didn’t want to do, tests that I didn’t want to study for, grades that I received when expecting the worst, etc. As you can imagine, as a 15 year old blogger, they weren’t very interesting blogs to read to someone who is now 27 years old.

I wouldn’t expect someone to be able to sit down and enjoy the blogs I have written 12 years old like I enjoy them. I enjoy them for a different reason: it’s my history. As significant as my life is to someone else, it is the most important to me. Every blog I wrote was with a purpose, and I can imagine the 14 year old me being afraid of high school. I relive those moments when I talked about the girls I had crushes on, my triumphs (no matter how small), and failures. Reading my older blogs makes me smile because…it was innocent.

I don’t blog with innocence anymore. I have bills to worry about. I have been taught that time is money; therefore, spending time blogging without intention to profit is now a waste of time. Facebook, Youtube, & Snapchat have taught me that my life is not as exciting as other people’s, and when I don’t get the attention that I’m looking for, it is because the content I create is not worthy of attention.

Especially Youtube.

Now everyone has a dream of becoming rich just by talking into a camera and playing video games. Podcasts. Streaming. Video blogs.

The question is…if I enjoyed blogging so much, why did I stop?

Because…of a woman.

Heartbreak is a serious thing, ladies and gentlemen. It is a betrayal of the heart, and it can seriously break a man. I’m not ashamed to admit that I was broken for a while. For a long while. However, to be called a “loser” was nothing short of devastating. What that woman said about me hurt me beyond words.

It lead me to start attempt drinking alcohol because I felt like I wasn’t living the way I was supposed to. What kind of woman would spend the rest of her life with a man who wasn’t willing to get drunk every once in a while? What kind of man doesn’t want to go to clubs, get drunk, or pursue a career through college regardless of what it pays?

Blogging used to be innocent, but it evolved into this…chaotic obsession to create the perfect blog. Consequently, I stepped away from blogging to repair my sanity.

I am happy to report that even though I’m balder and fatter than I used to be, my life is significantly better. My current girlfriend and I have been dating for almost 2 years now. She’s aware of my past, and I’m aware of hers. We have an apartment together, and we aren’t struggling with bills. Life is good.

Recently, I purchased a 2015 Honda Civic SI.

Image taken in 2017

I’m talking about this particular event because it’s probably the most recent big even that’s happened.

Before I bought this car, I owned a 2012 Honda Civic LX.

The reason why I decided to sell my 2012 Honda Civic is simply because…I’m selfish. There was nothing wrong with the vehicle, and I know that it wasn’t a financially good decision. I know that I should’ve kept the car because it was in good condition and paid off, but…I wanted something a bit nicer.

Terrible financial decision, but you know what? I absolutely LOVE my new car. You can ask my girlfriend. She’ll tell you!

My girlfriend and I have been doing a small bit of mattress shopping this weekend because labor day is big on mattress sales (or so my girlfriend says). We have two mattresses in our apartment: hers and mine. Her mattress is some kind of queen mattress, not overly expensive but not cheap either, and it dips in the middle. I’m 240 pounds, so I realize that I’m a contribution to this dip, but it hasn’t done my girlfriend any good because she’ll wake up with back problems. Recently, we’ve switched to my mattress (brings back old memories), which is a cheaper mattress but firmer. She likes it. As a result, we’re in the market for a bed that’s firmer.

We would’ve gotten the same mattress in a bigger size, but my mattress has been discontinued. How the heck a mattress can be discontinued is beyond me, but…whatever.

We haven’t had much luck besides finding a mattress that costed over 4,000 dollars. To be fair, it’s probably worth every penny; however, with the amount of bills I’m paying, I’m finally at a point in my life where I can’t afford another big payment. When it comes to my finances, I’m absolutely terrible.

It’s not like I go out every weekend & rack up a 200 dollar bill on alcohol, or blow it on money order scams like my grandfather, but there is still plenty of financial decisions I make that make a big impact on my wallet: my car being one of them. I’ll admit that I’m not financially mature; not quite, at least.

I’ll make mature decisions, but I’ll counter it with a bad decision. I’ll pay off my car, but I’ll sell it to get a newer one. I’ll change car insurance plans and save 60 dollars a month, but I’ll use part of that money to buy premium services like Spotify. I don’t see the big picture yet. I’m aware that I should be saving for my retirement as the country is going down the hole with social security and all that, BUT I’m just not doing that. My current thought on life is this:

Of course…I probably could be pursuing a career that I’ll get more enjoyment out of that will provide me with more financial resources than the job I have now. I realize that most of my adult life will be spent working, or preparing to work unless I somehow get lucky or do something so profitable that I’ll hardly have to work at all. I realize that I am not limited, that I am capable of more, and that dreams can come true if I’m willing to make the sacrifices. However, if I’m going to live the life that I choose to live, regardless of how much of a loser I may be to some people, I’m going to make the choice to live my life the best way that I know how. And if driving a 2015 Honda Civic SI to and from work makes my day even slightly better than it would be driving a 2012 Honda Civic LX, then you’re absolutely God Damn right I’m going to make that choice.

‘Cause I’m me, baby. That’s the way it should be, and will be.

With that being said…

Brandon is back.