September 22nd, 2018

Today is a big achievement for me: this is the first day I haven’t had a coca-cola. Not just that, but it’s the first day I actually didn’t want to drink a coca-cola. It’s a big deal because just seven days ago, I had an entire 12-pack of Coke. On a daily average, I’d consume over 8-12 cans of Coke a day. Today, I haven’t had one; nor have I had the desire for one. As far as my coca-cola addiction is concerned, this week has been a huge victory for me. Not to mention the fact that I’ve lost 18 pounds in 6 days (that’s 3 pounds a day).

Yesterday was a big setback because I had Chinese food for lunch (which I didn’t finish) and four grilled hamburgers, but…you know what? I ain’t gonna fault myself for that. I’m picking myself back up, and I should because most of the times I give up is when I have these kinds of setbacks. I’m not gonna do it this time. I’m not gonna give myself a reason to fall off the wagon all because I wanted to enjoy two meals I’ve been craving throughout the week. I say this because my weekly diet consists of rice, chicken, and carrots.

One meal a day. That’s it.

If I’m feeling hungry, I’ll get a bag of white cheddar popcorn and nibble on it. I don’t go to bed hungry, and I drink a lot of water. Because of that, I’ve lost 10-18 pounds so far. Next week, I plan on hitting the gym once and it’ll be strictly cardio for a while. I’m not really looking to build muscle right now; as great as it would be to build my big arms back up to where they used to be (pretty big), my priority is bringing down my body weight to a comfortable level. 185 is my ideal weight, but I’m gonna shoot for 200 pounds. I was 215 pounds yesterday morning, but with the food I had…I’m gonna say 220. I hope I’m not setback that much, but we’ll see. I’m not really worried about it.

The reason why I’ve started trying to lose weight was to basically give myself a challenge. Work isn’t challenging anymore, and I’ve kinda screwed myself from moving up in the company so I can’t really learn anything else unless I move to the morning shift (which is never gonna happen). I’ve learned that if you don’t want to (or can’t) change your life, the least you can do is try to better yourself. The weight-loss challenge is just a inner-challenge for me to test my abilities; to see what I’m capable of. I’ve kinda plateaued over the past couple of months, and I just feel like I’m not really going anywhere with my life. It’s not a good feeling to have at 28 years old with very little accomplishment. There are things on which I should be proud of, but the bottom line is that, deep down inside, there’s still some things about myself that I don’t like.

My girlfriend made a valid point about my life, though: I don’t have much family anymore. I used to think my sister and dad would help me through anything if I asked for it: however, my dad passed away two years ago, and my sister is just another distant relative. She lives in California, chasin’ dreams, but the distance is all about our lack of connection. We’ve fallen apart for the past five years because I’ve slowly learned to build up the courage to stand up for myself and say that what my sister did to me was not okay. It’s not what you think it is, but she kicked me while I was down at the lowest point of my life, and that’s not what family does. At the end of the day, she’s just looking out for her own self-interest, and that’s not a person I want to have to rely on when shit goes south.

I was just tired of being fake; pretending that seeing her didn’t make me want to throw up in my mouth. I’m dreading Thanksgiving, having to endure the endless amounts of questions towards her from other family members, asking her about her perfect life. I used to be proud of my sister’s accomplishments, I used to be proud to be her big brother, but when shit went south, she was stabbing me in the back. Five years later, that still pisses me off. The thought of it. The rationale. You kicked me while I was down. How dare you? How fucking dare you?

Then there’s my mom: bipolar and clinically depressed. The last thing she said to me was through a text and said “by the way, you’re not invited to my funeral.” What kind of son wants to hear something like that from the woman who wiped his ass until he learned how to use a toilet? The irony in this situation is that she said what she said because she claimed I’m still that hateful person she claims I used to be. Maybe so, maybe so. However, if I still would want my sister to attend my funeral, despite what I feel towards her, then who has more hate?

My grandparents are the only people I feel support from. However, they’re moving into a nursing home, and you know what eventually happens after that. There’s a large disconnect from the family. On top of the things my ex-girlfriend has called me (a “loser” for starters, during the times when I didn’t know who I was), I guess I understand where my disconnect from people comes from. The people closest to me have somehow managed to hurt me the most. Consequently, I’m more cold-hearted than I used to be: I know it, my family knows it, and my girlfriend knows it the most. Now.

So the whole weight-loss thing is a step towards the direction I’d like to go. I’d like to be…a better person. I’m not entirely sure what that means, but losing weight and having a healthy mind is a good start. That’s kinda why quitting Coke is such a big deal: I’ve been addicted to it for years.

If quitting a long-term heavy addiction can be done in a week, imagine what I can do in a month.

 

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