January 22nd, 2018

If she’s anything,

She’s wonderful.

I woke up this afternoon with her beside me. The phone screen showed just over noon time, and her eyes were just as closed as mine. She had fallen back asleep, when she didn’t have to. Yesterday was her day off of work, and it seems like all she longs for is for me to hold her while she goes to sleep, and waking up next to me. She spoils me, treats me like a king, and the only thing I’m motivated to give back to her is an arm around her.

I guess that’s all she really wants.

Already sacrificed more than a woman should for us to be together, and everyday I wonder why she still puts up with my bullshit.

But there she was laying next to me.

My heart may be calloused, and my mind may have thoughts that get me in trouble, but when I wake up next to her, the sun always seems brighter when it shines through the window blinds.

“What would you like to do today?” She asked, pressing her head against my chest.

Jesus Christ, woman.

“I don’t know,” I say while rubbing her arm in a circular motion. Her and I have difficulty coming up with plans during the weekend, and it’s no one’s fault. Everyday, someone asks the other person that question…every Saturday, and Sunday. Never fails. Unless, of course, there’s already plans.

You gotta understand…I don’t plan. I don’t plan much of anything. It’s weird because my unhealthy habits would be things you’d expect someone who has hit rock bottom to do. I’ve hit rock bottom, and my condition of life isn’t on that level. I’ve “let go” of many things, but my life is great. It’s weird. My girlfriend doesn’t bring me down about the things I do or don’t do that negatively impact myself, and I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or not. Maybe I do need my ass kicked every once in a while, but she doesn’t make me feel like a piece of shit. She’s supportive, even if it’s a dream she has to give up, a flaw she has to accept, etc. I couldn’t ask for a better woman in my life. It sucks, you know? It sucks that she wasn’t the first. But something has always told me that she’ll be the last.

Last Saturday, we took a trip down to my grandparent’s house. I go there as much as I can because it’s good to stay in touch. When my dad passed away, I made a vow to myself that I was going to spend just a little bit more time with my family, keep them updated about my life, see what’s going on with them. I’m still a piece of shit, so I don’t bother trying to help them with things that they might need help with, but…I can’t even help myself. Outside of work, I’m…fat. I’m in the pre-stages of diabetes, I have an unimpressive amount of money in my bank account, and I’m…well…in dire need of a lifestyle change.

I’ve never denied my imperfections, but I make some pretty terrible decisions. I’m capable of more, to look at it in a positive way. I’m capable of saving more money, I’m capable of losing a ton of weight, I’m capable of being more productive. I know what to do about it, but…bringing us back to the beginning of this post…I don’t plan. I don’t think. I jump to conclusions, and don’t take the time to think about my actions. Consequently, I owe several people money through loans, credit card debts, etc, and I don’t do dick about it.

I’m not really hard on myself, but I’m starting to think that…maybe I should be.

When I went over to my grandparent’s house, I washed my car because they weren’t there. After that, we went to a restaurant called “Tin Drum.” It’s a unique tasting noodle place, with peanuts. Not being racist, but some black dude was cashiering and looked high as balls. He asked me if I was a fan of horror movies. His eyes were darting in different directions, and I couldn’t help but knock this feeling that I was going to find one of his pube hairs in my noodles.

Forgot to mention…last Friday, I went to my credit union and refinanced my car loan. Supposedly, it went from 6.95% to 2.99% APR…whatever the heck that means. I’m not gonna pay off my car loan any faster, but I figure that I’d save a little bit more refinancing my loan. I still pay just over 250 dollars a month, but this time I got GAP insurance. I was unaware of what gap insurance was, and I’m an idiot for not getting it in the first place considering my driving habits. I owe 12 grand on the car still.

Anyways…

Sunday was pretty productive. My girlfriend and I took a trip to some furniture mart, same place where we got our couch from. We’ve found a bed that we’re interested in, AND we’ve decided on getting a reclining loveseat. When we move into our new apartment, we’re gonna figure out what’s going where, but I’m super excited about it because I’ve had some trouble trying to sell the couch on Letgo. I spent 6 dollars on featuring the couch, so…that’s six dollars wasted. Had a few bites here and there, but people have wanted to be cheap asses, trying to negotiate the price when the info says, very clearly, that “the price is non-negotiable.” We’ve only had sex on the twice 2-3 times. What do you think I’m trying to do…let go of this couch? I mean…c’mon!

We also went to Costco which, again, was a gigantic waste of time. They only sold female slippers. I’m fairly certain we won’t be renewing our…thingy.

Started reading a Dave Ramsey book called “Complete Guide to Money.” I’m super white.

I’m tired, and want to play Rocket League. That doesn’t even make sense. I should stop drinking Cokes.

This blog sucks, but so do I.

Bye.

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