Advice 001: The Fear of Losing Someone

In my first long-term relationship, I was a completely different type of boyfriend than I am now: I was clingy, obsessive, jealous, manipulative, and I was anything else you could possibly imagine. Deep down inside, I always hated being those things because it occupied a lot of my time, and it messed with my mind. It got so bad that I was snooping through e-mails on a semi-regular basis, checking text messages secretly, and looking through anything I could get my hands on without being noticed. I didn’t always assume that something was going on behind my back, but I felt like knowledge was power; I felt like knowing what was going on behind the curtain would help me keep control of the relationship. At the very least, if anything were to happen, I’d see it coming.

I used to believe I was super analytical. I was confident in my abilities to read partners, and felt that if a woman wanted to leave me, I’d be able to spot the deterioration before it leads to the final act (the breakup). All of the manipulative, clingy, obsessive, and jealous things I did was done out of fear. I was manipulative because I avoided situations that would put me in vulnerable situations, I was clingy because the more time spent together, the more I could supervise and, at the very least, know that they aren’t doing anything behind my back while I’m with them. I was obsessive because I let that fear control my life. I hardly was ever home, I lost a great group of friends because I stopped hanging out with them, I lost interest in hitting the gym, going to school, and going to work.

As you might suggest, my motivation for going to such extremes was because of the fear I had of losing that particular person. The fear is very real, ladies and gentlemen. Justified or not, it is a strong emotion that can easily mess with our minds.

Of course, my mind thought the fear was justified. I thought my behavior towards the relationship was rational. You love someone more than you love yourself, why shouldn’t you be afraid to lose that person? You think you’re doing all the things you’re doing for the relationship, but what you’re really doing is doing irrational things because you’re afraid. That’s what we do when we’re afraid; we often resort to extreme measures. We try to get a grip on the relationship, gain as much control as we can, and we convince ourselves that everything is under control. That is, of course, until you actually lose that person.

I don’t wish that kind of pain on anybody, but that pain made me the boyfriend that I am today. It surely is a demon I had to wrestle with because it was very difficult seeing my new behavior as the norm. Originally, I felt like a bad boyfriend for being carefree about the relationship, but people suggest otherwise. People say that it’s not being a bad boyfriend; it’s being a healthy boyfriend.

Being a healthy boyfriend is a far more productive way of keeping a relationship than it is to be the kind of boyfriend I used to be. However, to be a healthy boyfriend, you have to have a healthy mind. If you hate yourself, wanna kill yourself, and having a girlfriend is the only thing in your life that gives you a reason to live, there is nothing healthy about the way you view your relationship. If you’re at that kind of mindset, you’ve put too much into the relationship to let it go that easily, so you would literally fight to keep it. That fear of losing someone is something that you don’t want to experience because when you let the fear control you, it defines who you are and what you do as a partner. Every action you make is not done in a genuine manner; every action is done to avoid as much as humanely possible the possible. The problem isn’t just that, but it’s also the possibility that you don’t even realize you’re doing it. In your mind, your actions are justified, so you don’t think twice about it. In your mind, there is no doubt because if anyone argues otherwise, it’s just a way of them saying that they don’t love you as much as you love them. If they refuse to let you snoop into their e-mails/texts, then they’re the ones who are guilty. You think you aren’t the problem, but you are exactly the problem.

It’s a hard truth to swallow, but getting rid of the fear reeaallllyyy opens you up. When you get rid of the fear, you deal with the raw emotions of the relationship. You enjoy the relationship for what it is, and not what you attempt to create. The experiences aren’t all artificial. The gifts you give aren’t given to keep them beside you; they’re given because you want them to have it. You don’t wake up every morning without them feeling like they’re doing something behind your back, or not eating for weeks when they’re gone on vacation with family because you’re afraid that they’re going to come back and explain to you that they cheated on you. You’re not afraid to be yourself, to spend time with friends when you can, to do things outside of the relationship when you know that your life is the only thing you can control the most of; and arguably, you can’t even control that, either.

Letting go of the fear is embracing the possibility that she will cheat on you, she will break up with you, she will leave you for the Mexican neighbor. As corny as it sounds and as much as you hear it, the idea is completely true: relationships are about teamwork. Openness with your partner goes a long way. Now…that path might lead to something uncomfortable (such as divorce, breaking up, separating, etc), but if you’re really truly honest with your partner, the tough decisions can be as neutral as they can possibly be. Divorce straight up sucks, I imagine, but I think anyone could agree that if you’re going to divorce your partner, it’s better to do it when you both agree with it. On a much smaller scale, I’d imagine breakups being the same way.

Being honest is…well…super tough, and it takes both people to keep an open dialogue. Keeping an open dialogue takes an open mind, because the minute someone starts ridiculing something you’ve confessed, you’re less likely to tell that person the next time. Knowledge is a luxury, ladies and gentlemen. Just because you’re dating someone, doesn’t mean you’re entitled to know everything there is to know about that person at all times. What you know about someone is what’s been presented to you: whether it’s from the partner themselves, or through some kind of record they didn’t care enough to hide. And just because you may find something that they didn’t tell you doesn’t automatically mean they’re trying to hide it; there’s a lot of things that happen in our lives that can easily slip our minds.

What you know about someone is almost completely based on what they want you to know about them. It takes a lot of strength to maintain composure when someone confesses something you don’t want to hear, but it takes even more strength to confess something they know you don’t want to hear voluntarily. As previously mentioned, if someone wants to get away with something, there’s ways to do that: we’ve got VPN’s, disposable email addresses, private browsing, etc.

We all know this. However, if you were/are anything like I used to be, you were in denial of this truth because it’s too much for you to deal with. Sure…she might give you a password or two to some of her accounts, but what about the other accounts you don’t know about? What about the text messages, all the contacts she claims to be “John” from work, or “Cindy” as the woman she used to hang out with in high school? What about the numbers she’s got unlisted, or the phone numbers she’s got stashed away on page 78 of her U.S. History 102 college textbook?

How certain can you really be? Unless you’re physically with your partner 24/7, there is always going to be uncertainty…no matter what you do! You can install your hidden software, you can raid her text messages while she’s in the shower, you can browse her e-mail while she’s at work, you can install security cameras “to keep her safe,” but…is it really worth it?

The old me would’ve said “yes.” However, that’s because I used to think I was smarter, more observant, than the average bear. I thought I could beat the fear; I thought I could control the relationship, and make it how I wanted it to be. At the end of the day…what I “tried” to prevent still happened, regardless.

Where does this fear come from? Obviously, it comes from within us. People hate being single. Why? People don’t like to be alone. Why? We’re afraid of losing the people we love. Why? The people who hate being single hate being single because they perceive it as a bad thing. People hate being alone because they perceive it as a bad thing. People are afraid to lose people because they assume that the result of losing someone is going to end up in bad circumstances (you can’t afford house payments, you’ll lose custody of the kids, etc). While they are bad circumstances to be in, people worry about these things before anything even happens. More importantly, they worry about things but don’t actively create a backup plan on the off-chance that it does happen. That’s why we have these things called emergency funds, access to loans, a network (friends), to help pull us out of a rut when we’re faced with circumstances we can’t deal with on our own.

Again…there are bad circumstances, but the impact of a circumstance largely depends on how you handle the situation. Of course…every circumstance is different; if you lose your job, you can fill out all the applications you want but that doesn’t guarantee you’re hired. However, when we’re dealing with the fear of losing someone, the outcome is the same: we become single. Again…some people have to deal with more (such as legal issues and whatnot), but the issue with losing someone you don’t want to lose is being forced back into the dating scene that you don’t want to be a part of. For most of us, that’s the worst part. However, being single is really not that bad. Sure…you have to deal with not having your partner in your life, which is unfortunate, but you’re given a chance to start over with someone new and potentially better for you, anyway. In the mean time, you can enjoy the freedoms associated with being single. Those months/years you spent with your previous partner weren’t for nothing, of course. Every relationship and every setback you experience shapes you into the partner you are today.

If being single is tough for you, then you’re not really single. Your mind isn’t in the right place. Again…it’s about being healthy minded. That’s why people say that you can’t love someone until you love yourself; it’s not that you can’t love someone, but when you create a dependence on your girlfriend, you create risks. Some people go their whole lives with only being in one relationship, and that’s great; however, others aren’t so fortunate. A lot of us have to go through bad relationships, bad experiences, to get the people we are compatible with to share a life together. A lot of us have to learn hard lessons in life to be able to differentiate between a good woman, and a compatible woman. When you create unnecessary risks, you set yourself to fail. If you have a joint bank account because you’re married, that’s a necessary risk because it makes sense. However, if you’re using fear to spend more time with your girlfriend when you should be studying for that test, or making extra money to afford your bills and add onto your emergency fund, then you’re putting unnecessary risk on yourself. And as much as we love our girlfriends, we shouldn’t have to burden our partners with paying our bills all because you wanted to spend an extra Monday with her so could chaperone while she’s out with her friends. It doesn’t work like that. It shouldn’t work like that. That’s not a healthy relationship.

I’ve grown to view healthy relationships as two people doing what they enjoy, supporting each other in the process, and enjoying each other in the process for as long as it lasts. That’s all you can really do. You can still hope that nothing bad happens, and you can still love your partner to the best of your abilities, but what it all comes down to is that your life is your life. If you don’t develop a healthy mind to get rid of the fear of losing someone, then the fear is what’s going to prevent you from being the best partner you can be. One way or another, we all learn. Unfortunately, the hard way is always the best way to learn valuable lessons in life, but it doesn’t have to be.

It’s your choice, and it always has been.

 

 

 

January 22nd, 2018

If she’s anything,

She’s wonderful.

I woke up this afternoon with her beside me. The phone screen showed just over noon time, and her eyes were just as closed as mine. She had fallen back asleep, when she didn’t have to. Yesterday was her day off of work, and it seems like all she longs for is for me to hold her while she goes to sleep, and waking up next to me. She spoils me, treats me like a king, and the only thing I’m motivated to give back to her is an arm around her.

I guess that’s all she really wants.

Already sacrificed more than a woman should for us to be together, and everyday I wonder why she still puts up with my bullshit.

But there she was laying next to me.

My heart may be calloused, and my mind may have thoughts that get me in trouble, but when I wake up next to her, the sun always seems brighter when it shines through the window blinds.

“What would you like to do today?” She asked, pressing her head against my chest.

Jesus Christ, woman.

“I don’t know,” I say while rubbing her arm in a circular motion. Her and I have difficulty coming up with plans during the weekend, and it’s no one’s fault. Everyday, someone asks the other person that question…every Saturday, and Sunday. Never fails. Unless, of course, there’s already plans.

You gotta understand…I don’t plan. I don’t plan much of anything. It’s weird because my unhealthy habits would be things you’d expect someone who has hit rock bottom to do. I’ve hit rock bottom, and my condition of life isn’t on that level. I’ve “let go” of many things, but my life is great. It’s weird. My girlfriend doesn’t bring me down about the things I do or don’t do that negatively impact myself, and I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or not. Maybe I do need my ass kicked every once in a while, but she doesn’t make me feel like a piece of shit. She’s supportive, even if it’s a dream she has to give up, a flaw she has to accept, etc. I couldn’t ask for a better woman in my life. It sucks, you know? It sucks that she wasn’t the first. But something has always told me that she’ll be the last.

Last Saturday, we took a trip down to my grandparent’s house. I go there as much as I can because it’s good to stay in touch. When my dad passed away, I made a vow to myself that I was going to spend just a little bit more time with my family, keep them updated about my life, see what’s going on with them. I’m still a piece of shit, so I don’t bother trying to help them with things that they might need help with, but…I can’t even help myself. Outside of work, I’m…fat. I’m in the pre-stages of diabetes, I have an unimpressive amount of money in my bank account, and I’m…well…in dire need of a lifestyle change.

I’ve never denied my imperfections, but I make some pretty terrible decisions. I’m capable of more, to look at it in a positive way. I’m capable of saving more money, I’m capable of losing a ton of weight, I’m capable of being more productive. I know what to do about it, but…bringing us back to the beginning of this post…I don’t plan. I don’t think. I jump to conclusions, and don’t take the time to think about my actions. Consequently, I owe several people money through loans, credit card debts, etc, and I don’t do dick about it.

I’m not really hard on myself, but I’m starting to think that…maybe I should be.

When I went over to my grandparent’s house, I washed my car because they weren’t there. After that, we went to a restaurant called “Tin Drum.” It’s a unique tasting noodle place, with peanuts. Not being racist, but some black dude was cashiering and looked high as balls. He asked me if I was a fan of horror movies. His eyes were darting in different directions, and I couldn’t help but knock this feeling that I was going to find one of his pube hairs in my noodles.

Forgot to mention…last Friday, I went to my credit union and refinanced my car loan. Supposedly, it went from 6.95% to 2.99% APR…whatever the heck that means. I’m not gonna pay off my car loan any faster, but I figure that I’d save a little bit more refinancing my loan. I still pay just over 250 dollars a month, but this time I got GAP insurance. I was unaware of what gap insurance was, and I’m an idiot for not getting it in the first place considering my driving habits. I owe 12 grand on the car still.

Anyways…

Sunday was pretty productive. My girlfriend and I took a trip to some furniture mart, same place where we got our couch from. We’ve found a bed that we’re interested in, AND we’ve decided on getting a reclining loveseat. When we move into our new apartment, we’re gonna figure out what’s going where, but I’m super excited about it because I’ve had some trouble trying to sell the couch on Letgo. I spent 6 dollars on featuring the couch, so…that’s six dollars wasted. Had a few bites here and there, but people have wanted to be cheap asses, trying to negotiate the price when the info says, very clearly, that “the price is non-negotiable.” We’ve only had sex on the twice 2-3 times. What do you think I’m trying to do…let go of this couch? I mean…c’mon!

We also went to Costco which, again, was a gigantic waste of time. They only sold female slippers. I’m fairly certain we won’t be renewing our…thingy.

Started reading a Dave Ramsey book called “Complete Guide to Money.” I’m super white.

I’m tired, and want to play Rocket League. That doesn’t even make sense. I should stop drinking Cokes.

This blog sucks, but so do I.

Bye.

January 6th: First Blog of The Year

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If there’s one thing I can’t stand, it’s cold weather. I really miss spring. I miss the warm weather. I miss walking outside and being glad that I wore short pants to work instead of long pants. Instead, I walk outside only to be greeted by the whisper of cold air saying “go back inside.” But I can’t because I’m an adult whose life would fall apart if I called into work saying “I’m quitting my job. Cya never.”

Life revolves around capitalism.

The consumption of money.

I’ve come to terms with it. It’s a fact of life. I’m happier now that I’m making enough money to actually support myself, and being able to spoil myself from time to time. On top of that, it’s nice being able to rent (even though I don’t own it) an apartment, which gives me the luxury of doing anything I want (within reason) without feeling judged. I’m not happy to work, I’m working to be happy. And as of right now…life is pretty great! Though work has given me wonderful opportunities to buy new cars, do some small traveling, my happiness is not solely based on working. I’m a human being first before anything else. We all have our dream jobs; it’s not that I don’t enjoy working for my company, it’s just that…though working is a large aspect of adulthood, it’s not the highlight of my life. Work is just a great way to create more memories and afford protection against things/people that want to break down our body composition as fast as possible.

It just really sucks when you step outside in the cold weather and realize that you’re gonna be working in that temperature for the majority of your waking day. I haven’t even had it that bad lately because I’ve been what you call a “fill-in supervisor.” I’ve been filling in for supervisor because another supervisor has been on short-term disability. His misfortune has helped me out because I’ve gotten hands-on training for when I actually become a supervisor. Typically, I’d be driving a fork-lift…and those things are like driving cars without windows at 10 miles an hour. It’s nice being able to keep my hands in my pocket, walk around, and tell everyone else what to do. It’s a change, and it’s been a nice change because some of the responsibilities that I have are responsibilities that most people try to avoid. There are some responsibilities that I enjoy more than others. I’m fortunate because I’ve worked towards having those responsibilities. I know how to do more than most people do at work, and I’m thankful for those opportunities to learn.

But…this freakin’ WEATHER! GOSH! How miserable it makes a person feel. Not just that, but the weather runs of the risk (RISK I SAY) of snowing, and we all know the consequences of SNOW! Forget about driving anywhere, unless you want to lose traction and slide against a side-walk!

Oh yeah! Cold weather is great.

But…it was my last day of work for the week, until next week! I’ve been told that the supervisor on STD will be back to work on Monday, which would mean that I’m no longer being a fill-in supervisor and, therefore, back to potentially doing responsibilities that everyone is trying to avoid.

Yesterday morning was kind of upsetting, though. My girlfriend’s schedule got switched up so I’m able to wake up next to her (which is great), but she got an e-mail from a company she applied for, and got denied. It breaks my heart a little bit because she works for a company that doesn’t value her, and she’s tried so hard to move up in her company. She’s been with the company for over 7 years, she’s gotten a little taste of management, but hasn’t quite gotten there yet. My girlfriend is a really intelligent person, and it really upsets me to see her experience these setbacks. I can’t say that I know how she feels because you never really know how someone really feels, but I’ve been in a situation a handful of years ago where I was working for a company for next to nothing. 7.45 an hour? How can you possibly expect a person to really enjoy what they do for 7.45 an hour? I was with that company for about 5-7 years, off and on. The highlight of my day was watching the live lobsters eat each other till one died.

So, yeah.

There’s some crap that I gotta deal with, but I can’t complain. Tax season is here, my girlfriend and I are set to move into another apartment complex where I’ll finally be getting a limited man-cave (I say “limited” because I can’t install a 5.1 500W surround sound system in the apartment), which will allow us to get a dog.

Supposedly, next month, I’ll be doing a responsibility at work that I really don’t want to do, but on the bright side…it’s also the month where my job will be moving people around in the company, and I may be one of those individuals who gets to be what I already do on paper. I hope so. Either way, life is still good, but but I really love the pursuit of something because it makes me happy. It feels good to know of future possibilities because I’m always reminded of how bad my life used to be, and how great it is now.

But that weather, though. Sheesh. How can you enjoy cold weather when your nose is running all day? Spring, come back.

My day wasn’t half bad. We finished our jobs right around the goal, if not before our daily goal, and I was, of course, the last person to finish. Yet again, I had to pick up a co-worker’s slack, but it’s the same co-worker I look up to in a supervisor.

It’s the weekend now. Tomorrow, my girlfriend will have to be at work in the later afternoon, which will give me some game time with some of my co-workers. We’ll be playing Fortnite on the PS4 pretty much all day, and I’ll be attempting to do some much needed apartment cleaning to prepare for our eventual (and finally arrived) move-out.

I’m tired, and I can hear my girlfriend shifting in the bed…which means she’s looking at the security cameras to see if I’m jerking off.

It’s time to go to bed.

Until next time…

Good night.