April 11th, 2017

During the beginning of work yesterday, I pulled a co-worker aside and apologized to him. Last Thursday, I kind of snapped at him for…basically doing his job. The reason why I snapped at him is because…he’s one of the several co-workers that I can’t stand looking at. Over the weekend, I’ve been thinking about that guy and I’m beginning to realize that I dislike him for no real reason besides the fact that I can’t stand looking at him. I actually feel the same way about a few other people and, again, for no real reason.

I’m not alone in these thoughts, of course. Most of the people who share my responsibilities at work feel the same way about certain people, as well: they can’t stand looking at them. Most of them are doing their jobs; maybe they’re not doing it as efficiently as you’d like them to, but…they’re doing it. They may not do it well, but the important thing is that they’re doing it because you asked them to. You shouldn’t fault them for that: they’re trying. I can’t get mad at these people for trying, y’ know? The normal me would tell them to basically stop what they’re doing and get the hell out of my space, but I looked past my feelings towards these people, genuinely thought about what they can do, how we can help each other, and I was able to stay on top of my responsibilities throughout the day.

I didn’t get over-whelmed, or anything.

It then dawned on me that if I’m nicer to these co-workers, they’re probably more inclined to do the right thing when I’m not able to help them immediately. They may even go beyond the call of duty to help, even though they didn’t ask for it. Instead of putting on more responsibility for the sake of them getting out of my way, I can be more humble and get a lot more accomplished without doing everything myself. The classic example would be to clean the dishes as I go rather than pile them up and tackle it all at once.

 I may be onto something, because…the ultimate person I want to be is someone who is…tranquil, I guess. Some people might call it “chill,” but I just want to be someone who people can look up to. I want to be good at my job, reliable, trust-worthy, but I want people to think that I’m a good person. That I’m the kind of guy who always tries to do the right thing. Isn’t unreasonable with his selfishness, but a man that people can respect.

Like my grandfather.

When I moved in with my grandparents at the age of 14, I got more involved with their personal lives, their marriage, etc. All-in-all, my grandfather has dealt with a lot of unnecessary drama. Before my dad’s health got really bad, the household was crazy. My grandmother, my dad, and I got into it more frequently than I’d like to admit. Now that my dad has passed away, I realize that it was all over something pointless. Our usual arguments/fights were over things I should’ve been doing. I should’ve helped around the house without asking, I should’ve kept my room clean, I should’ve done all these things: this is all stuff that a responsible adult would do. However, I wasn’t doing the majority of it. Honestly…if I was still living with my grand parents, I still probably wouldn’t. I do feel guilty about that considering they’re my grandparents: they’ve been through too many things in life to have to deal with manual labor that I could easily do. If my grandparents were to pass away, I would feel guilty that I haven’t helped them as much as I could’ve.

Since I have my own apartment, I maintain it. If I don’t, my girlfriend does.

One of the things I’ve learned since my previous long-term relationship was that we both have to do our fair share. It doesn’t always have to be she cooks and I clean, but it’s important that we both feel we’re contributing 50% towards the relationship. As a boyfriend, it makes me feel better knowing that I’m contributing. I may not always do what she asks me to, but I feel that I do enough for her that she respects me enough to tell me when she has a problem with the things I do or don’t do. I know this all sounds like it’s coming straight from a self-help book on fixing relationships, but…it’s all coming from personal experience.

If my girlfriend didn’t respect me, she wouldn’t be willing to express herself. She wouldn’t be willing to deal with our problems, confessing that I’ve done X and Y to upset her. She’d sweep the problems under the rug, settle for our weak bond (for a while), and then decide to break up with me.

However, who is to say she won’t break up with me, even if I do contribute my 50% to the relationship?

I’ve learned the hard way that there is no certainty in relationships. Marriage doesn’t guarantee long-term commitment, kids, dogs, a house, etc. Things can be great, and people still leave because they just want something different. People change.

I used to be sooooooo much different, people. So much different. Checking text messages, reading e-mails, borderline stalking behavior. It was unacceptable; however, I felt it was justified because I didn’t want to lose that particular person. However…that’s exactly what happened.

The idea of certainty has certainly evolved the way I love a woman. Instead of being worried about the possibility of my girlfriend leaving me, I am able to love my girlfriend the best way that I feel is right, enjoy the relationship while it lasts, while embracing the uncertainty of our future together. Maybe we don’t go on dates as much as she’d like to, maybe I don’t hold her hand as much as she’d like me to, maybe we don’t do X and Y as much as she’d like me to; however…I’m not trying to make her stay. If I’m trying to do anything, I feel like it’s unhealthy. I don’t believe you should try to do anything to keep them to stay: I believe we should be ourselves, do what we feel is right, and just hope that our partners can support that. If they can’t, then I believe it’s an issue of incompatibility, and we need to find people who share our ideals on love.

SO FAR…my girlfriend and I are doing well. We’re celebrating our 1st year anniversary by going on vacation for a week. SPEAKING of my girlfriend…she cooked me steak, potatoes, corn, and green beans; one of my favorite meals. She also made me a surprise strawberry banana pie, but I’ve never had it before. I’m nervous because…I want to like it. I’d be disappointed if I didn’t because I simply can’t eat something I don’t like. My girlfriend knows this, of course, and it wouldn’t be a huge deal if I didn’t, but I’d still feel guilty because she slaved in the kitchen to make this…strawberry banana pie, only to find out that I didn’t like it.

I’m kind of hesitant on the pie right now because her and I (mostly I) have ate NOT JUST ONE…but TWO frozen apple pies within the past week.

Annnyyywwaayyy…

Point is…work went well yesterday. I’m glad it did because it gave me hope that maybe I’m not so terrible at my job. If I do my job right and stay on top of everything, I won’t be hurtin’ by the end of the night. I want to make a good impression on people because the sole reason why I’m doing the job I’m doing is to show initiative, that I’m capable of the task, so I can move up in the company. I have to do it, supposedly.

I’m hoping this week goes well, but I’m expecting the worst till Thursday. I’m going to work on my attitude, and see if concentrating on my responsibility while being nicer to people will help the over-all job experience.

We shall see.